Monday, May 14, 2012

A Visit to the Doctor

I hate going to the doctor or dentist.  They both give me the willies.  But there are times you can't get out of it. Need a prescription renewed or you have a sinus infection or something else.

This is a tale of how the visit goes with the doctor.

You call and make an appointment and you begin to get the jitters.  You know you have gained weight since the last time and you wonder what the doctor will say.

You have to go, because your head is killing you and when you bend over it feels as if your face will fall off any minute.  Yeah, all the symptoms of a sinus infection.

First off, on appointment day, you dress in your best panties and bra.  Of course your thinking there is no way you will be undressing for the doctor today.  It is only a sinus infection!  You slip into your nice clothes, because you want to make a good impression.  Do you want to be known as the slob?  Really people, everyone dresses up nicely to see their doctor, don't they?

You arrive early, heaven forbid if you are late for anything.  I worry about being late, so I arrive early by ten to fifteen minutes.  You fill out new paper work because it has been a year since you were last in.  All the time your hands are shaking so much you can hardly hold the pen and your penmanship looks like a first grader.

Then your called to the back and this thin, young nurse tells you to step up on the scale.  You step upon the scale, murmuring in a nervous voice, "I've gained some weight since the last time I was here."

"Really, I am trying to lose a few pounds before my sister's wedding,"

"Oh!  I wish you luck,"  You look at the young woman wondering, Where in the hell does she need to lose weight?  From her head?  The woman is thin by anyone standards.

You try to read the scale, but without your reading glasses it is a lost cause.  "How much have I gained?" you whisper as she leads you down the hall to the exam room.  She doesn't answer and you remember most Doctor offices have gone computerized and she may not have last time's weight.

You sit down on the exam table wishing you were any where but here.  You hate sitting up so high and sitting on top of crinkly paper.

"Hmm, your blood pressure seems a little high.  Is that normal, or you taking blood pressure medication?"

"My blood pressure is on the higher side because I am in the Doctor's office.  It is always higher in here, my nerves seem to do that.  My blood pressure medicine works fine, unless I'm at the Doctor's office."

"What is the name of your blood pressure medication?"

I look at her for a few minutes like a deer staring into headlights.  Finally my brain kicks in, "It's . . .ah, . . . penxaprile  or something like benoprile.  I know it starts with either a b or a p."

"Do you know what milligram you are taking?"

"Ah, . . . it's a little pink pill.  Hmm, ten milligrams I think."

She gives that look, you know the look, like am I for real.  "I'll look it up on the computer. Why are you here today?"

I look at the young woman for a few seconds, wondering why the hell I am here today.  "Oh, yeah, I have a sinus infection."

She writes that down on the paper and looks at me for a few seconds murmuring, "The doctor will be in, in a few minutes."

The minute the woman is out the door, I slide off the exam table and stand in the middle of the room looking around.  I glance at some magazines in a rack.  They look like they have been in there forever and I wonder what kind of germs cover them.  Rocking back and forth on my feet, I look at the walls and wonder why doctor's exam rooms are always so ugly.  Are they trying to scare the germs out of you?  A poster on the wall advertises some heart medication with a picture of what a real heart looks like.  I wonder if our hearts are really blue and red.

Okay . . . I am running out of ways to entertain myself and I begin to wonder if I really need to see the doctor.  Maybe the sinus infection will go away on it's own.  Just about the time I am thinking of bolting, in comes the doctor.

"How are you doing?"  The doctor smiles and glances down at the clip board in his hand.

"I'm doing fine," I answer wondering why they always ask this question.  I mean really would I be here if I was doing great? But then again, why do I always answer with fine, when I'm not fine?

"Then why are you here?"  The doctor smiles looking at me with laughing eyes.

"I have a sinus infection," I mumble looking down at the floor.  Lord help me from smart alec doctors.

"Hop back up on the table and let's take a look.  Your blood pressure medication is Benazepril ten milligrams."

"Wow, I was close."  Does he expect me to remember that?  Lord, I will be lucky if I remember it by the time this visit is over.   The druggist never asks me what I am taking, he just reads the prescription and fills it.

He looks in my ears, throat, nose and listens to my heart.  "Have you been coughing?"

"A little," I mumble, "not a lot."

"What color is the phlegm you are coughing up," he asks?  I shake my head.

Once again the deer staring into the headlightsLord have mercy, I don't go around looking at what I cough up into a tissue.  That's so gross!

"Have you been blowing your nose a lot and what color is the mucus?"  I shake my head.

Headlights!!!  Do these people go around looking at all the crap their body expels from different places?   If I wanted to look at that stuff, I would have become a doctor.  Just write a prescription and let me get out of here before I come down with a horrible disease.

You do realize Doctor Offices and Hospitals are a bed of breeding germs?  Have you ever notice you get sick after visiting a hospital to see a friend?

"When I bend over, it feels like my face is going to fall off."  I am hoping this news will speed things up.

They not only make an exam room ugly, but I'm just saying I would hate to pay for the cooling bill for this place.  It is like that large refrigerated area you walk into, to get eggs, milk and etc at CostCo.   Chill bumps are playing chase up and down my body.

"That sounds like a sinus infection.  I'll write you a prescription for an antibiotic.  Are you allergic to any medication?  If you don't feel better after taking all the medication, come back in."

I shake my head, and a slight smile curves my lips as I inch myself toward the edge of the exam table.  If I have to come back in, I'll be madder than a wet hen.  He really doesn't want to see me in here again.

He hands the prescription over and I slide off the table, pick up my purse and cram the prescription inside.  Slowly moving toward the door.

"Your blood pressure is a little high.  Do you keep a check on it?"

"I explained that to the nurse.  My blood pressure raises when I see the doctor.  Yes, I own a cuff and check my blood pressure."

 It's not all a lie, I do own a blood pressure kit.  It's only . . . the only time I take my blood pressure is if I happen to be by one of those machines in the mall or store.  Then if there is no one around, I slip onto the seat and have my blood pressure taken.  It is usually in the normal range.  Well . . . that is if I haven't gained a lot of weight.

He nods his head and writes something down and I open the door, look back at him giving him a big smile, "Bye!"

I walk quickly down the hall and out the door to freedom and clean air.  Lord I hope this medication works, I don't know if I could go through that again.

How do you feel about doctor offices?

Oh Yeah, while I have you here let me remind you to buy my books.  I mean really, do you want a grandmother to run a round in holey clothes?

See you around the block.


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